I prioritized giving an hour this morning to writing a post. Except that my hour's work disappeared after the screen forced me to refresh. Autosave had let me down, and my work was gone. The irony was that the post was about accomplishing goals, rah rah. I love a good Monday morning when I can list goals I want to do that week, and a first Monday of the month like today, well! For a goal setter, that's like a doubleheader! Like a double scoop of blackberry lemon ice cream!
I've got about 15 goals for this month, with "writing consistently" as a big one that I'm finally, after all these {literal} years really really trying to focus on in order to Make It Happen.
Which is why, after making those goals, I sat down and wrote. Thought. Wrote-ed more.
{hesitantly clicks on "refresh" prompt}
Blank page = quite the opposite of Wrote-ed More!
When I realized my post had vanished, I wiped away a couple tears of frustration {it was before my coffee} and went to my husband's studio door to gather some empathy. I know it's silly, but it's discouraging. He reassured me it wasn't silly, it happens to everyone, and also, "it's not a sign"
Which was the smartest thing the guy could have said. He knew a couple tears weren't because the post was gone, but more because at the root of it, I wonder IF IT IS WORTH IT. Is it worth it to pursue a goal when you've ignored it for {a lot} of years? Is it worth it if it is done just for me because I enjoy it?
Even deeper, am i worthy of it. Worthy of the time, energy and focus, worthy of doing it because not doing it was creating an itch, a feeling that I hadn't quite lived up to my potential. A feeling I had let other people take my dream from me, and in not doing anything to argue back, I, too, had taken that dream from me.
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Driving with my 19 year old son after this, I asked him what advice he would give me over my lost effort. His points are just what I'd tell myself:
- Each time you write it, you'll be able to revise it and make it better.
-Don't minimize your emotion, but also, you have to get over it and not get stuck in that, especially if you're on a time crunch, you just have to keep going.
-Take a break, but not too long of a break so you don't lose the flow of what you wanted to say or do.
-When I asked him if it was a sign to not write, he said, well, what were you writing? If it was a hate message, then yeh, maybe it was a sign. {ha} But if not, then no, it's not a sign, just a chance to make it better.
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I made goals for June. One of them is to allow myself freedom and space to write and be creative in that writing. One I easily relegate to not a priority, but one I can't get away from and need to take seriously. I was determined to take a first step today. I wrote. Wrote-ed some more. My computer ate my goal.
I took a break. Ate lunch. Tried again. Crossed it off.
I tell you my Monday morning story because maybe you can relate.
What goal do you keep setting aside to not important, not worth it, you're not capable of it status? What if June was the month to take the first step of trying that goal? What small step can you take today to reach it? What if you hit Save more than I do? *wink*
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